What is domestic and family violence?

Domestic and family violence are broad terms covering a range of different behaviours. Importantly, domestic and family violence is a crime for which offenders are solely responsible.

There are many names used to mean domestic and/or family violence. Some people talk about partner violence, intimate partner violence, DV, spousal abuse, wife beating, child abuse, or incest.

We use the term domestic and family violence to describe a range of behaviours that are used by a person to dominate and control another, using tactics that include violence, manipulation, stalking, gaslighting and more.

'Domestic violence' usually refers to violence between people who are in an intimate or dating relationship (or who have previously been).

The broader term 'family violence' refers to violence between people who have a family relationship eg. brother, sister, cousin, parent, grandparent, etc. Family violence is the preferred term in many Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities in which close relationships and kinship relationships extend far beyond the nuclear family.

Types of violence

Coercive control

Coercive control is when an abuser repeatedly hurts, scares or isolates another person in order to scare them. Some examples of behaviour are belittling, demeaning, undermining, threats, intimidation, social isolation, financial abuse and monitoring movements online and offline. Coercive control is ongoing and cumulative. This is deliberate behaviour and is now against the law in some states in Australia.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a common form of coercive control. It is a psychological manipulation in which an offender sows seeds of doubt and confusion. It causes the person to question their memory, thoughts and sanity.

Psychological violence

Psychological violence behaviour includes intimidation, humiliation, emotional blackmail, abusing pets, gaslighting, threatening to ‘out’ someone’s sexuality, transgender or intersex status and more. It also includes the impacts of financial, social and other non-physical forms of violence.

Sexual violence

Sexual violence is any form of coercion or unwanted sexual activity or sexual degradation. It includes child sexual abuse, rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, human trafficking, image-based abuse and reproductive coercion (e.g. controlling contraception, preventing or forcing an abortion).

Financial abuse

Financial abuse includes controlling access to finances and/or making someone account for all their spending. Examples are welfare theft (taking money from Centrelink or other agencies), preventing someone from working or studying, and dowry-related abuse. Financial abuse can also continue after a separation where an abuser with-holds child support and other payments that would allow someone to maintain a separate household.

Social violence

Social violence can include controlling or isolating a partner or family member from their family, friends or community. It might also include limiting social activities and relationships with friends and family and their partner or family member from accessing support

Spiritual violence

Spiritual violence might include preventing someone from practising their faith or culture. An abuser might ridicule spiritual beliefs and manipulate religious and spiritual teachings or cultural traditions to excuse their violence.

Physical violence

Physical violence means any assault on the body including but not limited to slapping, hitting, punching, pushing, choking, sleep and food deprivation, burns and use of weapons.

Technology facilitated abuse

Technology facilitated abuse includes using text, email or phone to abuse, monitor, humiliate or punish. It also occurs when an abuser uses technology to track or monitor your movements and messages or emails. Abusers may also threaten or distribute private or sexual photos or videos.

If you are concerned someone might be experiencing violence

When you discover that a friend or family member has experienced violence, we often find ourselves asking, 'why didn't I know?' It can be difficult to know if somebody is experiencing domestic violence. It is something that many people find difficult or unsafe to talk about. For others, they may not have recognised for themselves that their partner's behaviour is abusive.

The experience of domestic and family violence is very often tied up with feelings of embarrassment or shame. Secrecy is commonly reinforced by the offending person to protect themselves and to isolate their victim.

Remember, do not limit yourself to looking for physical signs of harm. The cornerstone of domestic violence is power and control. This is harder to spot, and often the most difficult aspect of the abuse to recover from.

Domestic and family violence offenders are usually very careful to make their violence invisible to others. You may not witness any obvious behaviours from the offender at all. You may even find them charming.

While there may be no outward signs that someone is experiencing violence, these signs could indicate that they may be.

This list is not complete, but can help understand how domestic or family violence might look to friends and family:

• The offender controls decision making about family or social life and/or finances. An example of this might be noticing that this person has to seek permission from their partner or relative to make plans or to spend money. They might lack access to money.
  
  
• In intimate relationships (like marriage) the offender shows extreme or unusual jealousy. They might checking their partners' phone and messages, accusing them of cheating or flirting. They might forbid them from speaking to people who they view as sexual or romantic competition.
  
  
• The offender might be intrusively present or constantly 'checking up on' their partner or relative. For example, calling 15 times a day or turning up to events uninvited or unexpectedly.
  
  
• The offender might undermine other important relationships in the person's life or 'come between' them and other friends or family. You may simply notice that your friend or relative stops spending time with you and other friends or family. For example, offender might tell you (or another friend or family member) that your friend has said something negative about you. This could create a divide between you and your friend or relative that undermines your relationship. This is a tactic used by offenders to isolate their partner or relative. It extends the offender's influence and control in their life and diminishes their independence and resources.
  
  
• The person may appear nervous or anxious about how the offender will react to minor things like being late, bumping into a friend by chance, changes in plans, or unexpected bills.
  
  
• One impact of control can be that the person's self-esteem or self-confidence deteriorates. They might start speaking negatively about themselves, saying things like, "Oh, I'm so stupid", expressing feelings of guilt and lack of confidence, or having difficulty making decisions.

You can say something, and it really can help.

How you respond to someone experiencing domestic or family violence can make an important difference.

In the first instance you can ask them about it. Let them know what you have noticed, and that it has worried you.

Don't be surprised or hurt if they don't open up to you or are embarrassed by of afraid of your questions. They may not be ready to talk about what is happening (or has happened) and they may feel ashamed.

If the person experiencing the violence is a man, he may feel particularly confused and reluctant to speak about the abuse, as it might be something that is considered a 'women's problem'. There is a common and wrong belief that men should be stronger and more powerful than women.

If they don't want to talk to you about it, reassure them that the line is always open for them to talk to you in future.

By asking them about what you have noticed in a way that doesn't judge or criticise them or their partner, you are letting them know you are a safe person for them to turn to if/ when they are ready.

Getting help

If you think you might be experiencing some of these behaviours, you could be experiencing domestic and/or family violence. Many support services are available.

You can discuss how to keep yourself safer and how to manage the impacts of violence with our trained counsellors.